That's gonna be me!!

I've started writing this blog about five different times, and each time it started out completely different with a whole different path of where I was going. I feel like I have so many things to say, that I don't have a pretty box that it will fit in. Now if we know me at all, we know that I've been working on letting myself out of the box, but it's not super easy to do. I feel like I put such a high standard for myself, and it's so hard to live up to it. Why do I impose that on myself? I wanted to sit down and write, and have a beautifully flowing post, but I haven't for the life of me been able to do it. I start writing and then before I know it, i'm on a whole different train of thought. And i'm like "Well, that's good and all, but that wasn't really my point, now was it?" So, I erase. The interesting thing about that, is the focus of this post was supposed to be on the word "Liberate". Liberate from things we impose on ourselves. Liberate from things others impose on us. Liberate from traditions, expectations, from controlling what people think of us. Liberate ourselves from giving people an excuse when we're not up for hanging out, instead of just saying "it's not gonna work". The list goes on! And here I am, telling myself that I need a pretty little post, with all the write grammar and spelling. I know that last sentence seems ironic, but I spelled it wrong on purpose. ;) So, this post is me, letting myself right what I want to without judgement and...well, I can't think of the word. 

One thing that my Sister Amy does every year, is pick a word to focus on throughout the whole year. It's such an amazing idea and it's inspired me to do just so. If you haven't guessed yet, my word has been Liberate. I didn't know how powerful this resolution was until I put it into practice. When you start seeing life through that word (or whatever word you're working on), it changes things. For me, this word opens up my whole world. It frees me to be exactly who I am. It doesn't mean I am always good at it, but it gives me the drive and the peace to try. Some of the things i'm learning about myself, is that I want to be one hundred percent sincere. And sincere doesn't always mean pleasant. ;) This is hard for me, because I have a huge drive to make people happy with me and with themselves. I'm working on that though, because your happiness is not up to me. Here's an interesting thought: I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you humility. I don't owe you pretty or thin. I don't owe you to be a good dancer. I don't owe you an explanation for how I live my life, why I make the decisions I do, or where I put my money. I don't owe you non-mushy posts on Facebook. That's right. Deal with my kissing pictures! Haha. What just happened? I loosed myself from the bonds of what others (and myself) put on me. Now, I talk a big talk here, but it is not easy to free yourself of these things. I think the more you live, the more you realize the things that matter. And pretenses don't seem to be one of them. The people i am most drawn to are raw and honest. 

We were at the ocean the other day and we ended up at an outside bar with a live band playing Beetles songs. There were a bunch of people standing around and moving their heads to the music, but the ones that were reeeally enjoying themselves were the ones on the dancefloor. They didn't have the best moves, but it didn't matter. They were having the time of their lives and just living it up. I felt sad for the people who were on the outskirts who you could tell wanted to be out there, but they were (probably) too self conscious. For what? Fear of people talking about them? What a sad way to live. There was a super fit older woman, probably in her 70's, out there dancing and she just let loose. I told the people I was with that "that's gonna be me". I don't want to live my life always afraid of what people think of me. This brings tears to my eyes, because it is a real struggle for me. I have come a long way over the last several years, but it's definitely a journey.  

Lawrence and I watch The Voice, and the thing that stands out to us over and over is that if you're not yourself, you don't get very far. The people we end up loving, are the people who are unique and don't fit into a mold. To the contrary, the ones that we end up forgetting are the ones who don't really know who they are, so they copy. It's such a vivid example because the unique people get up there and they sing and dance the way that is unique to them. The dance on it's own can be completely terrible, but when it's coming from a place of originality and personal flair it becomes riveting. The world doesn't need the same, so why do we try to be just like everyone else? That doesn't mean, try to be different. It means, just be...you. I know i'm digressing a little bit, but the point is to be yourself. And if you don't know who that is in every situation, make it a journey to eventually, one day, be like that 70 year old woman on the dance floor, enjoying life and not worrying about what anybody is thinking. That's gonna be me!!