That's gonna be me!!

I've started writing this blog about five different times, and each time it started out completely different with a whole different path of where I was going. I feel like I have so many things to say, that I don't have a pretty box that it will fit in. Now if we know me at all, we know that I've been working on letting myself out of the box, but it's not super easy to do. I feel like I put such a high standard for myself, and it's so hard to live up to it. Why do I impose that on myself? I wanted to sit down and write, and have a beautifully flowing post, but I haven't for the life of me been able to do it. I start writing and then before I know it, i'm on a whole different train of thought. And i'm like "Well, that's good and all, but that wasn't really my point, now was it?" So, I erase. The interesting thing about that, is the focus of this post was supposed to be on the word "Liberate". Liberate from things we impose on ourselves. Liberate from things others impose on us. Liberate from traditions, expectations, from controlling what people think of us. Liberate ourselves from giving people an excuse when we're not up for hanging out, instead of just saying "it's not gonna work". The list goes on! And here I am, telling myself that I need a pretty little post, with all the write grammar and spelling. I know that last sentence seems ironic, but I spelled it wrong on purpose. ;) So, this post is me, letting myself right what I want to without judgement and...well, I can't think of the word. 

One thing that my Sister Amy does every year, is pick a word to focus on throughout the whole year. It's such an amazing idea and it's inspired me to do just so. If you haven't guessed yet, my word has been Liberate. I didn't know how powerful this resolution was until I put it into practice. When you start seeing life through that word (or whatever word you're working on), it changes things. For me, this word opens up my whole world. It frees me to be exactly who I am. It doesn't mean I am always good at it, but it gives me the drive and the peace to try. Some of the things i'm learning about myself, is that I want to be one hundred percent sincere. And sincere doesn't always mean pleasant. ;) This is hard for me, because I have a huge drive to make people happy with me and with themselves. I'm working on that though, because your happiness is not up to me. Here's an interesting thought: I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you humility. I don't owe you pretty or thin. I don't owe you to be a good dancer. I don't owe you an explanation for how I live my life, why I make the decisions I do, or where I put my money. I don't owe you non-mushy posts on Facebook. That's right. Deal with my kissing pictures! Haha. What just happened? I loosed myself from the bonds of what others (and myself) put on me. Now, I talk a big talk here, but it is not easy to free yourself of these things. I think the more you live, the more you realize the things that matter. And pretenses don't seem to be one of them. The people i am most drawn to are raw and honest. 

We were at the ocean the other day and we ended up at an outside bar with a live band playing Beetles songs. There were a bunch of people standing around and moving their heads to the music, but the ones that were reeeally enjoying themselves were the ones on the dancefloor. They didn't have the best moves, but it didn't matter. They were having the time of their lives and just living it up. I felt sad for the people who were on the outskirts who you could tell wanted to be out there, but they were (probably) too self conscious. For what? Fear of people talking about them? What a sad way to live. There was a super fit older woman, probably in her 70's, out there dancing and she just let loose. I told the people I was with that "that's gonna be me". I don't want to live my life always afraid of what people think of me. This brings tears to my eyes, because it is a real struggle for me. I have come a long way over the last several years, but it's definitely a journey.  

Lawrence and I watch The Voice, and the thing that stands out to us over and over is that if you're not yourself, you don't get very far. The people we end up loving, are the people who are unique and don't fit into a mold. To the contrary, the ones that we end up forgetting are the ones who don't really know who they are, so they copy. It's such a vivid example because the unique people get up there and they sing and dance the way that is unique to them. The dance on it's own can be completely terrible, but when it's coming from a place of originality and personal flair it becomes riveting. The world doesn't need the same, so why do we try to be just like everyone else? That doesn't mean, try to be different. It means, just be...you. I know i'm digressing a little bit, but the point is to be yourself. And if you don't know who that is in every situation, make it a journey to eventually, one day, be like that 70 year old woman on the dance floor, enjoying life and not worrying about what anybody is thinking. That's gonna be me!! 

Misled

Tell your side of the story
Just leave out things here and there
Get as many people on your side
Though the guilt is yours to bear

Put a happy face on
So people know you're genuine
You're so happy-go-lucky
Agree with me and let's be friends

Build up your army for battle
With your credible soldiers
The ones who don't need all the facts
But who have faith in all the rumors

How righteous and how noble
Your cause must be so just
That you could be so ruthless
In your emotions we do trust

So, blindly we draw our lines in the sand
With all the lies that we've been fed
And when we see the damage we've done
It's too late, we've been misled. 


KS 

Out of the box.

It's interesting how skewed our views of ourselves can be. Some people think they're too fat when nobody else thinks so, think they're unattractive when they're beautiful and think people don't want them around when in reality they're fun to be around. Then of course, there's the people who think they are prettier, funnier and smarter than they really are. The point is, do we truly see ourselves accurately? 

Then there are those of us who want people to view us a certain way. So much so that we tell people what we're like and what kind of person we are. The reality is, they can probably see, more accurately, the kind of person we are better than we can. We want to be/be perceived a certain way, but let's face it: people are going to see us the way they see us no matter if we tell them who (we think) we are or not. So why not give up that dream of controlling peoples' perspectives of who we are, and just...be who we are? No pretenses. No facades. If you're a mean/goofy/analytical  person, be that person. If you like being by yourself, do that. If you shoot from the hips, more power to you. If you like drama, stop saying you hate drama and just let yourself revel in it. Some people thrive on drama, other people don't.  

I think the confusion comes when you try so hard to be better or do better or think better. You try to be non-judgemental, to be a good driver, to be a good spouse/sibling/parent/friend. You have a goal to better yourself, but you don't always hit the mark. You put yourself in a box of being that better person, but those times when you don't live up, you have an identity crisis because you no longer fit in that perfect box. And heaven forbid people see you outside of that box. 

I was recently called "cold". Ironically it hurt my feelings and made me cry. But the reality of it is, even though I can be extremely sensitive, I don't show my sensitive side to many people. I show my logical side. The side where I've thought things through emotionally on my own or with my close friends, and deliver the logical side of things with others. That (apparently) produces people thinking I'm a cold person. So the truth is both. I am a sensitive person and I am a cold person. It just depends on who is giving that judgement of me. I can't go around trying to fix peoples' opinion of me. If I really want people to think of me as not being cold, then I'd have to go around baring my soul to everyone, and that's just not something I want to do. 

So, my aim is to give myself the freedom and the forgiveness to just be who I am. Not who I want to be, not who I want people to see me as, but sincerely me. Good and bad. Pretty and ugly. Intelligent and ignorant. Amiable and judgemental. Sensitive and cold. I don't have to be perfect, because...well, it's impossible. I am flawed and I'm learning to be okay with it and to let myself out of the box.